Clean Funny Jokes
- Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
- Q: Why did the robber take a bath? A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
- Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: You’re dyslexic
- Q: What did the blanket say to the bed? A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
- Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed? A: To draw the curtains!
- Q: What do you call a frozen dog? A: A pupsicle.
- Q. What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I’ll hang around
- Q: What washes up on very small beaches? A: Microwaves!
- Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move? A: The road!
- Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? A: Because she couldn’t control her pupils
- Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A: A Clausterphobic
- Q: What three candies can you find in every school? A: Nerds, DumDums, and Smarties.
- Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A: A stamp.
- Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? A: Nobody nose.
- Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor? A: Because it had a virus!
- Q: What do you call a computer that sings? A: A-Dell
- Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? A: It’s dread-full.
- Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it!
- Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake? A: He just flipped.
- Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones.
- Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef Jerky.
- Q: Why did the traffic light turn red? A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
- Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator? A: I think I’m coming down with something!
- Q: What do you call a window that raps? A: 2PANEZ
- Q: “How do you shoot a killer bee?” A: “With a bee-bee gun.”
- Q: How do you drown a Hipster? A: In the mainstream.
- Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? A: Clean Jokes!
- Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business!
- Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta
- Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
Clean Good Jokes
- Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
- Q: When do you stop at green and go at red? A: When you’re eating a watermelon!
- Q: What did the tailor think of her new job? A: It was sew-sew.
- Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer? A: The Spacebar!
- Q: What exam do young witches have to pass? A: A spell-ing test!
- Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A: A cloud!
- Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.
- Q: What has one horn and gives milk A: A milk truck.
- Q: What concert costs 45 cents? A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
- Q: Can February March? A: No. But April May.
- Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist? A: To get a root canal.
- Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport? A: Because you dribble on the floor!
- Q: How do you communicate with a fish? A: Drop him a line!
- Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts? A: To the Baa Baa shop!
- Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear? A: Sneakers.
- Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? A: So he could tie the score.
- Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? A: They both depend on the batter.
- Q: How do you repair a broken tomato? A: Tomato Paste!
- Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry? A: Because his parents were in a jam!
- Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty!
- Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A: A barber.
- Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race? A: Sherbet
- Q: What do you call a dentist in the army? A: A drill sergeant
- Q: What do you get when you plant kisses? A: Tu-lips (two-lips)
- Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? A: You are to little to smoke!
- Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? A: Transparents
- Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? A: Show me the honey!
- Q: What did the man say to the wall? A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster ya!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? A: Cool Music.
Short Clean Jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? A: 2 Fast 2 Curious
Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser? A: She dyed.
Q: What do you call a musician with problems? A: a trebled man.
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach? A: Sunday, of course!
Q: Which building is the largest? A: The library, because it has the most stories.
Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog? A: Toad.
Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? A: A Roman Catholic
Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? A: He pulled a muscle
Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective? A: He got to the root of every case.
Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other? A: They don’t have the guts.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours? A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt? A: Dead ends!
Q: What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of? A: Trouble
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? A: Flood lights!
Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q: Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? A: Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? A: Urgent Tina
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: Its easier than walking!
Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey!
Clean Jokes For Adults
- Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people’s arms off? A: It was a vicious cycle.
- Q: What do you call leftover aliens? A: Extra Terrestrials.
- Q: What’s taken before you get it? A: Your picture.
- Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
- Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
- Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?” A: “You can’t tuna fish.”
- Q: What do you call a baby monkey? A: A Chimp off the old block.
- Q: What did the femur say to the patella? A: I kneed you.
- Q: Why did the picture go to jail? A: Because it was framed.
- Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A: A yardvark!
- Q: What’s the first bet that most people make in their lives? A: The alpha bet
- Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
- Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet!
- Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
- Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.
- Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed
- Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.
- Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital? A: To get a tweetment.
- Q: What did Delaware? A: A New Jersey
- Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune? A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
- Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? A: Hi Cliff!
- Q: What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? A: Depeche a la Mode.
- Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
- Q: What dog keeps the best time? A: A watch dog.
- Q: What did the penny say to the other penny? A: We make perfect cents.
- Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop.
- Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? A: So he could have sweet dreams.
- Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: Your dyslexic
- Q: What did one raindrop say to the other? A: My plop is bigger than your plop.
- Q: Why did the balloon burst A: Because is saw a lolly pop
- Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary? A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile between each “s”!
- Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? A: It wooden go!
- Q: Which month do soldiers hate most? A: The month of March!
- Q: Whens the best time to go to the dentist? A: Tooth-hurty
- Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? A: I wanna get a head!
- Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? A: It was quite an oar deal.
- Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A: A private tutor.
- Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on? A: Bare-foot.
- Q: What can you serve but never eat? A: A volleyball.
Funny Clean Short Jokes
- Q: Why can’t a leopard hide? A: Because he’s always spotted!
- Q: What do you give a dog with a fever? A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A: A sour puss!
- Q: What runs but can’t walk? A: The faucet!
- Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A: A water bed!
- Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? A: Firecrackers!
- Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? A: They got married in the spring.
- Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? A: Because they cantaloupe.
- Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter? A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
- Q: What did the judge say to the dentist? A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
- Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
- Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella.
- Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? A: Ouch
- Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food ON his friend? A: Because his friend said dinner is ON me.
- Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it’s over your head!
- Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner? A: Man, that hit the “spot.”
- Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer!
- Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
- Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America? A: USB
- Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a bogey in it.
- Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because he had no-body to go with.
- Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A: They take the psycho path.
- Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
- Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack? A: One! After that its not empty!
- Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton? A: A bellybutton!
- Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? A: Because the cow has the utter.
- Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs? A: His trousers fit him like a glove.
- Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school? A: Because they’re all in High School!
- Q: How do baseball players stay cool? A: They sit next to their fans.
- Q: Why was the math book sad? A: Because it had too many problems.
Clean One Liner Jokes
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.
- Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
- Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
- Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- Assassins do it from behind.
- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
- Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!
- Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Funny Clean Jokes for Kids
- Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.
- Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
- I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.
- Why did the scarecrow get a raise? He was outstanding in his field.
- What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
- I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.
- I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Clean Blonde Jokes
- What do you call an eternity? Four blondes at a four way stop.
- What did the blonde do when she missed the 44 bus? She took the 22 bus twice instead.
- What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them.
- Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
- Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to re-train them.
- Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? To remind themselves that toes go in first.
- Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
